Before You Ask for More Discipline
I stared down at my to-do list. I read and reread the same line.
Talk to the clinic manager.
I needed to have a conversation that would be difficult for her to hear. Every time I glanced at the task, I felt myself recoil. I told myself I would do it after I finished one more email, one more chart, one more small task that felt easier to complete. The truth was that I didn't want to have the conversation.
I worried about hurting her feelings. I worried about saying the wrong thing. I worried about not handling it as skillfully as I wanted to. I cared about her, and I knew that no matter how thoughtfully I approached the discussion, there was a chance she would leave feeling disappointed, frustrated, or hurt.
Days passed. The task remained. As it sat there on my to-do list, another familiar voice began to speak up. It said: “Why are you avoiding this?” “You should have done it already.” “You're being ineffective.” “You just need more discipline.”
For a long time, I believed that voice.
When I wasn't taking action, I assumed the answer was simple. Push harder. Stop procrastinating. Be more disciplined.
But over the years, both in my own life and in my work with women in medicine, I've come to see that resistance is often more complicated than that. Sometimes resistance is pointing to a fear that hasn't been acknowledged. Sometimes it is revealing a system that isn't working. Sometimes it is exposing an identity that no longer fits or a goal that was never truly ours to begin with. And sometimes, yes, the task is simply uncomfortable and needs to be done.
The problem is that we often treat all resistance the same way. We assume that if we're not taking action, we simply need more discipline.
What if we're solving the wrong problem?
Why We Default to "I Need More Discipline"
Medicine rewards persistence. When things aren't working, we learn to study harder, stay later, work longer, and push through discomfort. Those skills help us become excellent physicians. They also teach us to assume that every obstacle can be overcome with more effort.
Not All Resistance Means the Same Thing
Resistance is the gap between what we say we want and what we actually do; the feeling that something is making it difficult. Resistance is a symptom. It is what we experience when we keep scanning over the task on our to-do list, choosing to do other things rather than that one thing we know we’ve been avoiding. But not all resistance is the same. Sometimes we need to meet resistance with courage. Sometimes, it's a new system. Sometimes, it’s the identity that we are still holding on to. And still others, it’s letting go of a goal that was never truly yours.
Four Reasons You Might Be Resisting
1. The Goal Isn't Actually Yours
You've inherited it, absorbed it, or been told you should want it. It may be that leadership role, the grant you’re no longer excited about, or your new plan to wake up early in order to be more productive. This is an easy trap to fall into as medical training gears us to seek validation from those outside ourselves. We spend years tracking our lives based on grades, and external assessments of our value. Unfortunately, if we don’t shift to living by an internal compass rather than by external feedback, we run the risk of having other people’s goals masquerade as our own.
When you hear yourself saying, "I need more discipline because I “should” be doing this,” ask yourself “If nobody expected this of me, would I still want it?”
2. Fear Is Creating Internal Conflict
Resistance can arise because the task feels risky. There is risk of judgment, failure, or damage to a relationship. Even new things that we are excited about can be risky, as the safest place for our nervous system is the familiar, not necessarily what is best for us. When there is something we fear, it will be difficult to have the courage to move past it, until we see the fear and meet it with compassion. You may tell yourself you're procrastinating on submitting the application, pitching the talk, or having the conversation because you're busy. But underneath may be a fear of visibility, criticism, or getting it wrong. The resulting friction between your conscious desires and your subconscious fears gets mislabeled as lack of discipline.
3. Identity
When we’re moving toward something new, something aspirational, your old identity can hold you back. For years I told myself I was just a messy person. That identity allowed me to keep creating evidence for it. Many women in medicine carry identities like; “I’m not good with money”, “I’m just a procrastinator”, “I’m terrible with boundaries.” The identity becomes self-reinforcing. So next time you’re feeling resistance to change, ask yourself where your identity lies; with the old or new behavior?
4. The System Doesn't Fit Your Life
When working toward a new habit, sometimes your first attempt doesn’t fit your life. Maybe you want to exercise more, and your friends talk about their success exercising before work. You try it half a dozen times, and it just doesn’t work. You either can’t get out of bed or you feel like a zombie as you run on the treadmill. So you want to give up. But maybe more isn’t the right time. Or you could still try in the morning, but add some time to wake up. Or maybe you need to put your gym clothes out and have a banana on your way out the door. There are a million ways to tweak the system so it works better for you. Sometimes, the problem isn’t you. Sometimes, it’s the strategy you’re using. Experiment. When things aren’t working, take it as information about the system and try something new.
5. The Task Is Simply Hard
Sometimes a task is truly boring, repetitive, or physically uncomfortable, yet it serves an important purpose. You know it needs to be done, and there is no one else to delegate it to. It must be you. This is where discipline becomes useful.
How to Know What Kind of Resistance You're Facing
First, think of resistance as information. It provides a time to check in and ensure that the action you are asking yourself to take is in your best interest. Ask yourself the following questions:
Is this goal truly mine?
Is there an opportunity to adjust a system to work better for me?
What am I afraid might happen?
Is my identity supporting or blocking the action I want to take?
If you've determined that the goal is yours, the system works, fear isn't driving the resistance, and your identity supports the change, then the answer may be surprisingly simple. The task is just hard. Some meaningful goals require us to tolerate boredom, repetition, uncertainty, or discomfort. This is where discipline serves us. Not as punishment, but as a way of acting in service of what matters.
Conclusion: The Question Beneath the Discipline Problem
The next time you tell yourself you need more discipline, pause. Get curious before you push harder. Resistance is information. Sometimes resistance is pointing to a fear that needs attention. Sometimes it is revealing a system that isn't working. Sometimes it is showing you a goal that isn't truly yours, or an identity that needs to be released. And sometimes it is simply asking you to do something difficult.
The wisdom is not knowing how to push harder. The wisdom is knowing which situation you're actually in.