No Is a Full Sentence: The Mindset Shift That Changes Everything
It’s Saturday morning, the sky is blue, and the flowers are blooming. It is a beautiful day, yet rather than going out to start your gardening or take that hike your friend recently raved about, you sit down to tackle all the work emails and other little tasks you didn’t get done during the week. You know you have too much on your plate, but to whittle it down means you must say “No.” Saying “No” is a large part of setting boundaries. Boundaries are limits that protect our time, energy, and well-being. We commonly share our boundaries with others by saying “Yes” or “No.”
For many people, it is difficult to say “No.” In the midst of her overwhelm, a friend told me, “I’m bad at saying no. Maybe I’ll get in front of the mirror and practice saying no.”
Although practice never hurts, it alone won’t solve the issue. As Carl Jung said, “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate.” Understanding the thoughts that prevent you from saying “NO” is the key to actually saying “NO.”
Fear makes us say “Yes” when we want to say “No,” or vice versa. There are different flavors of fear, though, at the risk of being reductionist, all boil down to the fear of abandonment and not belonging. Our basic human needs are safety, love, and a sense of belonging. When these are threatened, we become afraid. It is human! You are not alone.
FEARS BEHIND “YES” WHEN YOU MEAN “NO”
1. Fear of missing out.
You believe that the opportunity will never come again. You were invited to speak at a conference on a topic you enjoy but isn't your favorite. You’d rather not, but feel obligated because the person who asked you is trying to be helpful and support your career. You also don’t have the time to prepare; your plate is full. It is easy to figure out you want to decline the talk, but worry that if you do, the person sponsoring you for the opportunity will never do so again.
The fear that opportunities are limited is common and perpetuated by a scarcity mindset and the belief that resources and opportunities are finite. But the world isn’t finite. More opportunities will come. There are indeed some things in life that you can’t recreate. Your child will only be born once. But most things are not that unique. Your career can withstand not jumping on every opportunity. The first time you do, it will be a leap of faith. It will be scary. The only way to know it will be okay is to try it. Trust that your good work will speak for itself and bring more opportunities to you when the time is right. When you do decline an offer, be kind and clear. Here is a possible response: “Thank you for the opportunity. It sounds like a wonderful conference. Unfortunately, I need to decline the invitation.” You could even suggest an alternative person to serve as a speaker.
2. Fear of hurting the other person’s feelings.
Your colleague and friend asks you to cover a shift. You are available, but you were looking forward to sleeping and spending time with your family. Despite feeling exhausted and overwhelmed by the idea of doing another shift, you struggle to say “No” because you know she really needs the shift covered. You worry that if you say "No," she’ll be mad at you, and that will compromise your friendship.
Our cultural message is that women should ensure everyone feels okay. Women are expected to tend to the needs of those around them, even at the expense of their own well-being, particularly in helping professions such as medicine and motherhood. Others’ needs come first, which is what we are socialized to believe. This is why it is so hard not to make every effort to do what others ask.
Ask yourself, “Is it true that the other person’s feelings will be hurt by your saying no?” Often, people will take at face value that you don’t have the time, energy, or interest to do what is requested. They know they don’t know what is happening in your life and can’t speak for you. They genuinely want to know your honest answer and assume that you will be responsible for yourself, not them. Just think what it would be like if we were all honest with each other and were responsible for ourselves and each other. Life would be much easier without second-guessing what someone means. When others have hurt feelings or difficult emotions, you can listen and be present, but it’s not your job to fix them. You can also offer to support your friend without agreeing to their request. You might say, “I can’t take the shift, though I’d be happy to brainstorm with you to identify other people to ask.”
3. Fear that the other person may think less of you.
Your boss asks if you are willing and able to serve as a departmental representative on a hospital committee. You're not excited about the committee's topic, it doesn’t align with your interests, and you already have a full plate. Your boss may expect you to do a task, yet they ask you rather than tell you to do it. If you believe this is what is happening, you can always investigate by asking your boss if you genuinely have a choice. If you do, then state your preference. It is exhausting to second-guess what everyone is saying. Practice communicating what is kind, honest, and helpful. Ask that others do the same. If they did tell you and you don’t think it’s in the organization's best interest to comply, speak up confidently and respectfully. Let them know who might be better for the task. The key is to be respectful, not confrontational, and move on if the final decision is for you to join the committee.
4. Fear of confrontation
Sometimes, others may get angry at you for saying “NO.” In my experience, those without boundaries tend to struggle the most when others set boundaries. The other person may also be upset due to a story they have created, such as “You don’t care about me.” Regardless of the reason, it is unpleasant and doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. When your relationship with the angry person is important, working through the conflict is necessary. The more you can get comfortable navigating conflict by creating psychological safety, exploring the other person’s perspective, stating the facts, finding common ground, and avoiding blame, the more you can move through these difficult situations and the more you can freely state your honest, kind, and helpful thoughts, opinions, and feelings. There may also be times when the relationship is unimportant. If that is the case, the other person’s anger is not for you to work through. You are not responsible for making them feel better.
5. Fear of defying the obligation of a social role.
We all have roles. I play the roles of mother, wife, doctor, coach, sister, daughter, and friend. It’s hard to say no to things when doing so goes against the image of what it is to be a good mother or a good doctor. I don’t think I’ve ever said “No” to my son when he asks for money. I usually think it’s for a good reason, and I want to support his school and development. Saying “No” would feel like I am being unsupportive and a “bad” mother. But I may also rob him of the opportunity to make difficult decisions and work through challenges. Perhaps being a good mother is letting him struggle and allowing him the chance to succeed without me. When butting up against a social role that keeps you stuck doing what feels uncomfortable or burdensome, see if you can reframe and find how “No” would align with the role.
6. Fear of guilt that may arise from not helping someone.
Guilt bubbles up when we do something that contradicts our values. Those values may be your core values, like being kind, helpful, or supportive of friends. Or, as noted above, they may be values you’ve adopted from cultural conditioning or because they are associated with a role you play. If they are your values that reflect your true self, the challenge here is to find a way to honor your boundaries and values. Rarely is it an either-or situation. This requires creativity and curiosity. Ask yourself, “How can I be kind, helpful, or supportive (or whatever value you hold that is currently in conflict with saying ‘No’ to a request) and maintain my boundaries? The answer may not be immediately apparent, but it is there.
In Atlanta, when I encounter a person who appears to be struggling and is likely unhoused and asks for money, I tend to say “No,” but often feel guilty about it. I value kindness and generosity. I want to see myself as a kind and generous person. Driving by people suffering and not offering support challenged my image as a kind and generous person. So, I asked myself if there was a way to be kind and generous while not giving money. I came up with the idea of providing socks. I now keep a bag of wool socks in my car, and when I see someone struggling on the side of the road, I stop and ask if they would like a pair of socks. The answer is usually an excited and grateful “Yes.”
Next time you are asked to do something, take a minute. If your gut says “no,” but your head talks you into it because it is the “right” thing to do, or vice versa, get quiet and check in with yourself and ask, “Is there something I am afraid of?” Once you find that answer, be kind and compassionate to that fearful part of yourself; she is there to protect you. Then, let your wiser self make the decision that moves you toward your truest self. For most people, actions that align with their true self lead to a feeling of relaxation and openness in the body, while those that don’t align lead to feelings of contraction and tension. Tune into your body as you navigate decisions. The more you practice, the more you will learn to trust your internal body compass and have the confidence to make difficult decisions. You’ll be ready to answer “No” or “Yes,” whichever is your next best step at that moment.
Steps to Take Before Saying “Yes” or “No”?
Do I have the time to do what is being asked? Don’t just kick the can down the road. If you don’t have time to do it now, you probably won’t have time later.
a. If yes, do you have time? Go on to steps 2 and 3. Remember, just because you have time doesn’t mean you have to say “yes.”
b. If not, you don’t have time. You can still proceed to steps 2 and 3, but now you are evaluating whether what you are being asked to do is more aligned with your values and priorities than other things you are currently doing. In that case, you’d take something off your plate to accommodate the new request.
Get clear on your values, not the values you think you’re supposed to have, but your values. There are online tools that can help with this (Here is one option that uses completing preferences to drill down your values).
Get clear on your priorities. What are the top five priorities in your life, the things that are non-negotiable and deserve your attention first? It is not always what we give our attention to and spend our time on, so close your eyes and think about what is most important in your life.
How does what is being asked of you align with your values and priorities?
Would you enjoy what is being asked of you?
Assuming I have the time, I like to say “Yes!” to tasks that are high in enjoyment and alignment. I say “No!” to tasks that are low on both of these scales. If there is high alignment but low enjoyment, I can choose to say “No” or explore ways to increase enjoyment and then say “Yes.” If I see a task with low alignment and high enjoyment, I consider the disconnect with my values and priorities. If not in opposition to a core value, I’m open to saying “Yes.” It’s ok to have fun.
Saying “No” or “Yes” is a tool for you to craft your life toward love and peace. Let your inner wisdom guide you.